I obeyed because I didn’t really have any other choice. My father mandated, verbatim, that I was not allowed to be upset or angry with him, because he was my father. My parents punished tears, and lectured me about how cheap my tears were and how useless it was to ever cry-I learned that if I wanted to cry, I would have to do it in complete isolation, silence, and I couldn’t show any signs of it it (no puffiness, no sniffles, no wobbly voice), or else I would be further punished. Just swallow your bitterness and move on. If you’re quiet and work hard, nothing bad will happen to you. Don’t make trouble for others or ask for help.

Don’t be loud, don’t draw attention to yourself. A traditional Asian principle is preserving harmony-even at the cost of suppressing your emotions and invalidating your experiences. If the white community condemned me as a rude and angry bitch, the Asian community condemned me for my emotions, denying me an outlet for the fire blistering me on the inside.

But my white teachers never said anything about what to do with the taste that sat in my mouth and chest, turning to bitter smoke on my tongue every time I forced a smile, conceded, and apologized for being difficult. Boys develop more slowly, so you have to be understanding and generous. I felt like I was going crazy, quartered amongst my emotions and being told to just pretend it wasn’t happening. It was like the plague in Raya’s world was within me, churning and pulsating like an exposed muscle. I can still remember the distinctly turbulent roil of frustration, anger, hurt, and guilt within me. It barely held me back when a man chuckled self-importantly and called me 'so aggressive' after I forcefully rebuffed him for repeatedly provoking me when we disagreed. I felt it within me when a boy sneered about my anger issues after I confronted his cruel mockery of Mandarin. Ignore their words, don’t give them a reaction.

But my white community quickly disabused my taste for rage. It was bright and satisfying as it left my lips.

Raya and the last dragon movie free